Episode 7: Vampires/Transcript

00:00
 * are you 450 pounds can't get off the

00:02
 * couch you want to suck people's fly

00:03
 * forces out of the brain let's talk about

00:04
 * it no BOTS roast beef sandwich all right

00:13
 * I don't know if we are enough I don't

00:16
 * think that we are ready to do it I want

00:23
 * to say welcome to last podcast on the

00:25
 * left it's a bouquet pod casts its super

00:30
 * kooky super spooky and I'll tell you

00:32
 * this episode is going to really suck

00:36
 * yeah

00:37
 * guys we're talking about vampires not

00:39
 * because Kissell I'm sorry but the

00:42
 * correct pronunciation is vampyre

00:45
 * vampires we are discussing all things

00:48
 * vampires today and this is going to be

00:51
 * an absolute riot I would say if I was

00:52
 * going to be mauled and sexually harassed

00:54
 * by any demon creature vampire is the one

00:57
 * for me especially the redhead from Bram

00:59
 * Stoker's Dracula oh yeah

01:02
 * I want him hard and I want him now I

01:04
 * wanted to bite my neck and make me feel

01:05
 * like the prettiest gal in Tuscaloosa

01:07
 * yeah that's what they'll do absolutely

01:09
 * so much blood

01:10
 * I am the OCB Oh what you Old Country

01:15
 * Buffet for vampires I'm a six foot seven

01:19
 * man with poor circulation the amount of

01:22
 * blood that's puddled up in my ankle

01:24
 * right now alone could feed a family of

01:26
 * five and you just imagine how it must

01:28
 * taste all the cheese all the sausage

01:32
 * flavorings going on there all the beefs

01:33
 * and nacho cheese absolutes and mushroom

01:36
 * ice cream yeah running through your

01:38
 * system at times they would probably just

01:41
 * become so addicted to me they'd be like

01:43
 * oh man you got any more you got any more

01:45
 * Ben we need some more bad man

01:46
 * I'd be like the vampire version of meth

01:49
 * next thing you know they moved out of

01:50
 * their castles they're sitting in some

01:52
 * trailer park there's no windows in it

01:54
 * for some damn Ruiz got a bunch of face

01:56
 * sores

01:56
 * that's bright I don't know why and then

02:00
 * they're going to go back and they're

02:01
 * gonna try to talk to the gals that they

02:02
 * used to be able to court the young

02:04
 * princesses and queens and they're gonna

02:05
 * be like looks like you've had a little

02:06
 * bit too much Ben honey you're gonna have

02:08
 * to get the hell out of here yeah our

02:09
 * dang nightmare right now they just do a

02:11
 * bunch of bend and then go on Facebook

02:13
 * and look

02:13
 * the old vampire friends of the use of

02:15
 * date back in middle high school its

02:17
 * traffic oh good so you could have been

02:20
 * who is on this thing I am Benjamin

02:22
 * Kissel and then of course there's Henry

02:24
 * Zebrowski vampyre van peers and and I'm

02:28
 * looking at him right now in his name is

02:30
 * Marcus Parkes Marcus I say oh it's good

02:33
 * vampire no Athens thank you you do have

02:35
 * most uh you were the most vampiric of

02:39
 * all of us right now oh yeah I'm thin and

02:42
 * pale yeah you got a nag Lee teeth and

02:44
 * wildly eyes ah you're petrified so let's

02:48
 * get it I just wish they could let me be

02:50
 * a vampire just let me be knowing bad

02:53
 * vampires I'm sorry buddy just make one

02:55
 * just a fat fun friendly vampire no you

02:59
 * can't do it there's no Casper situation

03:02
 * three Friendly Ghost there's friendly

03:05
 * demons there's friendly uh sasquatches

03:08
 * but no friendly vampires it's kind of in

03:10
 * now what's the Kiefer Sutherland one

03:11
 * blossom or lost boys lost oh yeah

03:14
 * there's some do some friendlier ones you

03:15
 * get Jason Patric and they're so steamy

03:17
 * sure big hair whoo what a good vampire

03:20
 * hole just suck all the blood up Monday

03:23
 * well Jim Carrey's Trek was pretty uh he

03:25
 * was pretty friendly in once bitten when

03:27
 * bitten is pretty silly I guess it did

03:29
 * sort of turn that's a good point there

03:31
 * is always though the Jim Carrey version

03:33
 * of reality I mean I don't think he's

03:37
 * gonna make it I don't think he's gonna

03:39
 * do it the wins but not jacked off to

03:41
 * that movie quite often and it took me a

03:42
 * very long time to realize that she was a

03:44
 * vampire I didn't understand the overall

03:46
 * themes yeah it was the coolest mother in

03:48
 * the world

03:48
 * yeah you were just you're just you're

03:49
 * busy jerking off to it right thank you

03:51
 * it it's like sleeping in a coffin yeah I

03:54
 * love love it working on coffin I need

03:57
 * like spy all the spice girl songs I know

03:58
 * the only because of watching the videos

04:01
 * over and over relentlessly beating off

04:03
 * oh my god

04:06
 * I got to get to off subject but the fat

04:10
 * one the fat Spice Girl she was always my

04:12
 * favorite and people call miss Gina Baker

04:14
 * some baby spice is kind of thick then

04:17
 * with everyone gonna throw now ginger was

04:18
 * also kind of big too yeah British well

04:22
 * yeah that's true I don't woman you don't

04:24
 * yeah

04:25
 * a British woman I don't think they have

04:27
 * a risk of being bitten by too many

04:28
 * vampires they all have like the perfect

04:30
 * like all pair bodies yeah that's a good

04:32
 * point you a flat for me I'm a vampire I

04:37
 * don't like your big fattie but I just

04:40
 * hate the fact that they've made vampires

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 * so sissy now I know that technically it

04:45
 * started with like Bela Lugosi and the

04:48
 * like even far back to like Bram Stoker's

04:50
 * original novel like making the vampire

04:53
 * seem like a funny little FOP or just

04:55
 * sort of like a rich person because it's

04:58
 * like in China

04:59
 * vampires like let this not be I'm not

05:02
 * gonna racist every time on any of these

05:06
 * podcasts I do swear it's butter and

05:08
 * someone says in China right well we're

05:11
 * gonna lose all our Chinese listeners

05:12
 * right now no I believe they have the

05:15
 * cutest feet they're all wrapped around

05:17
 * themselves um the Chinese vampires

05:21
 * though are like tiny covered in hair and

05:25
 * ferocious monsters that are will

05:27
 * werewolf no they have like because they

05:29
 * like in a lot of folklore like

05:32
 * werewolves and vampires are kind of

05:34
 * mixed up because kind of it's all sort

05:36
 * of like which you can imagine is is in a

05:39
 * town in Romania they had what would

05:42
 * probably be considered now a serial

05:43
 * killer that they had to in order for

05:45
 * them to understand the kind of like lump

05:47
 * it all together that there's a bad side

05:49 - man that is beastial run you kind of 05:51
 * like it just turned into vampire over

05:54
 * time Yeah right well and of course the

05:56
 * werewolf story probably comes from some

05:59
 * very aggressive maulings from actual

06:01
 * wolves yeah and they were like you

06:03
 * should have seen it it's similar to a

06:05
 * you know the big fish story it was ten

06:06
 * feet long when reality was Harley it was

06:09
 * a throwback and it was back oars it's

06:11
 * like back in the day where it's like

06:12
 * someone like you know at Larsson where

06:15
 * it's like if you met him and you made

06:16
 * love to him even once and you were so

06:18
 * afraid of it in ashamed of it after eyes

06:20
 * that like you had to make a werewolf

06:22
 * story or a vampire story afterwards I

06:24
 * mean just a koala me or own brain just

06:26
 * be like I did not have sex with that

06:28
 * hideous person he had to be a demon

06:31
 * monster for more from Ed Larson listened

06:33
 * to middle relief it comes out every wins

06:36
 * a round table of gentlemen all sports

06:38
 * all the time

06:39
 * the reason though which I thought was

06:40
 * interesting with vampires it came from a

06:44
 * basic fear of human discount

06:46
 * decomposition yeah they just couldn't

06:48
 * understand because apparently when you

06:49
 * die you're real fat and if you don't go

06:53
 * through the embalming process you're

06:54
 * gurgly up in the old under Bulow's yeah

06:56
 * and so they would hear these coffins

06:59
 * they would like hear these people making

07:01
 * noises and sounds they would dig them up

07:04
 * and then apparently it's not the nail

07:07
 * that continues to grow the human nail

07:09
 * the skin reels back yeah so it looks

07:12
 * like the ma and their hair grows yeah so

07:14
 * it looks as if they've had some crazy

07:16
 * life where they're going out at night

07:18
 * sucking on people's bloods and going

07:20
 * back to the coffin over there they've

07:21
 * got gigantic hard-ons as well

07:23
 * absolu is that right yeah when you die

07:25
 * you're supposed to eat shit your pants

07:27
 * and get real hard they call it angel

07:29
 * lust why do you wait till you die to do

07:30
 * that that's terrible

07:33
 * I live my whole life to shit my pants

07:34
 * and get an erection which is another fun

07:36
 * thing that was just completely based on

07:38
 * human ignorance yeah you know and that's

07:41
 * fine but yet so you just a bunch of

07:43
 * people just real confused about it made

07:45
 * a vampire so just easier to believe that

07:46
 * vampires access them but your body

07:48
 * changes after you're died or that your

07:50
 * soul I guess didn't go to to a non

07:52
 * existence place in this guy yeah yeah I

07:55
 * mean I think that I think I wish that

07:58
 * vampires were real as opposed to the

08:01
 * fact that it's just a really sad end of

08:03
 * everybody's life where we just turn into

08:05
 * a big puddle of liquid goo yeah it would

08:08
 * be great if it would be cool to wake up

08:10
 * in the middle of the night go suck a

08:11
 * little bit of blood and I don't even

08:13
 * think you necessarily have to kill the

08:14
 * woman or the man and theoretically you

08:16
 * could suck a man's blood how do you want

08:18
 * to do it was this was it just seems a

08:20
 * lot of things were fed into it along the

08:22
 * lines of like people's guilty feelings

08:25
 * about like lustful ideas and and it's

08:29
 * very much tied into like sexuality as

08:31
 * well and the biddin thing about I don't

08:35
 * know I think you can label anybody as a

08:37
 * vampire who was probably at the time

08:39
 * just like really into being spanked or

08:40
 * like really into like people which we

08:43
 * have now but back then you just

08:45
 * immediately be vampire no I mean in

08:47
 * vampire stories are real there was just

08:49
 * a story couple of years back and of

08:51
 * it was some goth 17-year old boy yeah

08:53
 * and he ended up killing his girlfriend

08:56
 * in a ritual where they were drinking

08:57
 * each other's blood I remember that and

08:59
 * he just took too much it's like the end

09:02
 * of the original scream where they stab

09:05
 * each other he's like think you cut me

09:06
 * deep man exactly perfect at some point

09:12
 * you'd be like all right I'm gonna need

09:13
 * some of that back I'm gonna need some of

09:14
 * that blood all right you're gonna have

09:15
 * to be alive to continue this whole

09:17
 * process I'm just loving this blood

09:18
 * though spy adapter pide my mom very much

09:22
 * believes in vampires now my mom you said

09:23
 * your mother we had a conversation

09:25
 * recently and you said your mother

09:27
 * thought that her soul was being

09:29
 * possessed by a vampire

09:31
 * but it turns out to be like years on the

09:33
 * line and so my mom had a problem with

09:35
 * absorbing calcium but uh back in the day

09:38
 * she attributed all these like weird like

09:41
 * tired feelings to my we used to go to

09:43
 * this this very new agey Church that was

09:46
 * an interfaith like ministry were like

09:49
 * you you do like Muslim things and Jewish

09:52
 * things you can celebrate and you like

09:53
 * learn about all the stuff but it was in

09:55
 * the back of this like 12-step store

09:56
 * there was also like a crystal and

09:58
 * healing store and the woman who worked

10:00
 * there and owned it was convinced that

10:03
 * she was a psychic and she used to like

10:05
 * give us like past life regressions and

10:07
 * we used to do all this like weird sort

10:09
 * of like psychic stuff and my mom was

10:11
 * really into it and just became to

10:12
 * believe that the reason why should feel

10:13
 * like this was that someone had put a

10:15
 * curse on her a psychic vampire was

10:18
 * hunting her ah this is intense psychic

10:22
 * vampire and all vampire yeah that's

10:24
 * beautiful and then when did she come to

10:26
 * terms of the fact that that was total

10:28
 * lunacy what you just knew after a while

10:31
 * I mean in the end there's just no

10:33
 * vampires there just aren't any I've

10:35
 * never even heard of a psychic vampire

10:37
 * before I think it needs to be explored

10:39
 * more but then you have people who sell

10:42
 * millions of dollars worth of books and

10:44
 * how to defend yourself from psychic

10:45
 * vampires do you think that Rohm party

10:49
 * needs to drop inside and start making a

10:51
 * movie about a psychic grandma absolutely

10:55
 * indiegogo.com

10:56
 * give some money to run birdies

10:58
 * you feel mall about psychic vampire

11:01
 * starring Henry Zebrowski 's mother I'm

11:03
 * not sure who I won't do suck you psychic

11:07
 * shit I don't know what am i using form

11:10
 * of being a vampire too it's like get off

11:12
 * your get out of your esophagus or what

11:15
 * are you cassava cassava uh uh de yeah

11:18
 * sarcophagus sarcophagus uh not not your

11:21
 * throat per se are you 450 pounds can't

11:23
 * get off the couch you want to suck

11:24
 * people's life forces out of the brain

11:26
 * let's just think about it a whole bunch

11:28
 * me that's the thing it's like the

11:30
 * equivalent of someone Stivers

11:32
 * cyberstalking so get out there go into

11:35
 * their tree look in that window with your

11:37
 * own two eyes that's really only way

11:39
 * you're gonna see some new T's as if

11:40
 * you're looking in their house or like

11:41
 * videotape in their bathroom okay these

11:44
 * days yeah oh my goodness yeah well I'll

11:46
 * tell you I think sec psychic vampire

11:48
 * sounds a hell of a lot cooler than the

11:50
 * current trend of vampires which has been

11:52
 * the pacification of all things violent

11:55
 * it's it's awful now with the twilights

11:58
 * and well I guess we did say the last

12:00
 * good film I think we can all agree was

12:02
 * let the right one end which is fucking

12:03
 * amazing

12:04
 * yeah such a great movie and I love the

12:06
 * conundrum of being a 13 year old girl

12:08
 * vampire and what is she was she was

12:11
 * thousands of years old right yeah but

12:13
 * the original version of that movie I

12:15
 * mean the I went to see the what was that

12:17
 * letting me in the American one which was

12:19
 * garbage

12:20
 * honestly like well the movies already

12:22
 * been made I hate remakes that come a

12:24
 * year later with only and the only

12:26
 * difference is well you don't gotta read

12:27
 * it we don't gotta read the words it to

12:30
 * say and it's like it's so easy to do I'm

12:32
 * it literally I'm gonna eat illiterate

12:34
 * human being yeah I can I only read words

12:37
 * best if they're written in crayon and

12:39
 * the and it was it's so simple to watch a

12:42
 * movie and read two sentences every

12:44
 * minute in the original movie is so like

12:46
 * emotional and subtle and but then the

12:49
 * violence is really intense like the

12:51
 * violence is like pretty graphic and

12:53
 * really good and then they just had to

12:54
 * add a bunch of computer shit to the new

12:56
 * one floors doesn't matterr american

12:58
 * piece of shit they can throw money at it

13:00
 * all they want it's like all you need to

13:02
 * do that's the nice thing when you have a

13:04
 * film and it's it's peaceful and it's

13:05
 * like calm like let the right went in

13:07
 * when she jumped jumps off the bridge and

13:09
 * kills somebody it's like whoa

13:12
 * what the hell's light happened yeah it's

13:13
 * crazy because that's not supposed to be

13:14
 * happy in this normal world American

13:16
 * movies they always they just assume that

13:19
 * more special effects make this bet makes

13:21
 * it better and really it has really hurt

13:23
 * the horror job oh my god you mean you're

13:26
 * hurting my imagination

13:27
 * yeah the fake blood thing is pathetic if

13:29
 * I go to a movie set and it's a horror

13:31
 * movie there's no real blood all over

13:32
 * that set it's gonna be a huge piece of

13:35
 * shit yeah just let's see the blood I

13:37
 * want to see the blood I want to see

13:39
 * actual blood

13:40
 * you can't shooting out of you because I

13:42
 * can't do that in real life yeah and I

13:43
 * mean I can't kill people don't make the

13:45
 * psychic vampires it's also extremely

13:47
 * lazy just get blood there I go we'll do

13:49
 * it in pose just do it now

13:50
 * but that's a thing - going back to like

13:52
 * sort of old age vampires is like they

13:55
 * used to say that the vampires were

13:57
 * supposed to like tear you to pieces like

13:59
 * right rip open your whole throat like

14:01
 * suck it out which is why when Jack the

14:03
 * Ripper happen like immediately everyone

14:05
 * was assuming was somebody who like

14:07
 * thought they were a vampire oh really

14:09
 * yeah they were Jack the Ripper and then

14:11
 * there was uh what's-his-name

14:13
 * the vampire dusseldorf 19:27 who was one

14:19
 * of the hugely prolific German serial

14:23
 * killer fucker what he that's the thing

14:25
 * about the Germans they can get away with

14:27
 * being a sailor killer because uh oh you

14:28
 * hear what happened to Dusseldorf yeah

14:30
 * it's a chilling women now who's like oh

14:32
 * you were doing that for some time now

14:35
 * oh do so is so crazy well that day when

14:38
 * he was just killing women was just like

14:40
 * was an accepted hobby right in Germany

14:43
 * well good good god it's still going on

14:44
 * now I would say what do you think about

14:47
 * that conundrum though so if you're aware

14:49
 * wolf you turn into a werewolf on a full

14:51
 * moon if you're if you're a a whole

14:53
 * series of if you're a vampire you have

14:55
 * to stay the same age as you are when you

14:57
 * became a vampire

14:58
 * which makes you which you can be really

15:00
 * sexy then you can't be ever but I feel

15:02
 * like what age would you want to be bit

15:04
 * number one and number two if you are bit

15:06
 * at a just sucks like if you're eight

15:09
 * years old for the rest of your life and

15:10
 * an interview with the vampire interview

15:12
 * with a vampire that is a hell worse than

15:16
 * living in Minnesota at the same time I

15:17
 * don't want to exist at this age forever

15:19
 * I look terrible enough but the thing is

15:21
 * I've always looked terrible there's

15:23
 * never been a period of time in which I

15:25
 * wish I wish

15:25
 * I would have been stuck that's you know

15:27
 * Henry I would tell you get bit now I

15:29
 * mean if you're gonna become a vampire

15:30
 * vampire at any moment in your life do it

15:32
 * now well think about very 45 should

15:34
 * pushing 400 pounds well I mean Elvis

15:37
 * side's vampire would be amazing

15:39
 * they just don't exist though I just

15:41
 * don't understand that because there's

15:43
 * what a hungriest vampire yes yeah you

15:47
 * would be Hunger everyone else yeah

15:49
 * exactly you would you would totally it's

15:51
 * like when you put too much carp into a

15:53
 * lake to eat all the fish all the other

15:56
 * vampires would be ghastly and did as a

15:59
 * French woman and they're like what's

16:00
 * going on somebody bit the fattest man in

16:03
 * the world yeah Bach ins didn't look back

16:07
 * their moves are gross horoscope oh no oh

16:12
 * god damn it

16:14
 * Warren why'd you bite in the fattest man

16:17
 * in the world he's just eaten fried blood

16:19
 * yeah yeah that's all I guess has to eat

16:22
 * it with cheese a like a blood dumpling

16:24
 * please not blood dumpling watchers are

16:27
 * so good yeah you see does he keep the

16:29
 * same hours as a vampire there's no

16:31
 * reason for him to go outside no I'm not

16:34
 * during the day that'd be that'd be gross

16:36
 * I don't even know if you physically

16:37
 * could go outside you might be bedridden

16:38
 * which is the saddest of all they're

16:40
 * gonna come to you so he just keeps

16:41
 * calling for delivery just an IV show

16:43
 * like whenever they literally show up to

16:45
 * his door he just like hits him over the

16:47
 * head with the hammer legs like drags his

16:50
 * body to the front door and as they come

16:52
 * in just like cluck

16:54
 * yeah then suck libido sucks it like

16:56
 * that's about let's like rascal wait yeah

16:58
 * like a guy could still get out he could

17:00
 * still get on his rascal and like scoot

17:02
 * away fat vampire I have a van Helsing

17:08
 * who's also 450 have right it's like a

17:11
 * constant it is like one of those eternal

17:14
 * struggles between the two of them

17:16
 * because they literally can't get to the

17:18
 * same room a lot of heavy breathing yeah

17:20
 * I love it dad I think that would be a

17:23
 * perfect perfect way to live as a vampire

17:25
 * have you amazing rattling around here no

17:27
 * one would suspect you yeah yours the

17:29
 * morbidly obese dude everyone's like ah

17:30
 * beats tons and tons of food he's like

17:31
 * what I do eat a lot but it's not food

17:33
 * hey boys what is your blood Little Bo

17:35
 * Oh that'll be so fun the whole series of

17:38
 * Boy Scouts stored up in your freezer I

17:40
 * wish that John Wayne Gacy said that

17:42
 * tentative the children that hurt that's

17:44
 * the Oh we'll get your blood in the boy

17:46
 * poor little boy oh boy okay ginger I

17:49
 * think John Wayne Gacy is the closest

17:51
 * thing we've ever had to a fat vampire

17:53
 * isn't he he's just a toad I go back

17:54
 * definitely would you is he the fattest

17:57
 * serial killer oh yeah John Wayne Gacy

17:59
 * what are the numbers on that I mean he

18:01
 * had to be a pushin 380 and in his prime

18:03
 * yeah use it diggin yeah I mean John

18:05
 * Candy ask I can't imagine I can't think

18:08
 * of a fatter serial killer because most

18:09
 * serial killers have a little bit too

18:11
 * much self-respect you know they love

18:14
 * themselves to the point where they're

18:16
 * just like I would never ever want to see

18:18
 * a gut around this beautiful man body you

18:21
 * know I mean not to mention if you're

18:23
 * gonna be a proper vampire or a serial

18:25
 * killer you gotta get a run yeah you got

18:27
 * a stalk I'm gonna put your time you have

18:29
 * sneak you can't sneak when you're 400

18:31
 * pounds no that's a it's naked you're

18:33
 * sneaking is just you standing it's just

18:36
 * widest you're gonna see I mean

18:39
 * absolutely it's like I was in a movie

18:41
 * the other day and there was a huge

18:42
 * morbidly obese fella who came in 15

18:43
 * minutes late and he did one of those

18:45
 * like oh hey don't wanna don't notice me

18:47
 * nobody knows me that's right buddy any

18:49
 * like Santa Claus yeah I literally

18:51
 * eyeballing you right who's getting the

18:52
 * gifts is Oprah in town real going home

18:54
 * with something jumpin John Wayne Gacy

18:56 'he's uh stats 5-8 222 honey at 5 acres 19:01
 * in him

19:01
 * I'm Saturday I beat him on five seven to

19:05 30 no I want shit well you look great so 19:13
 * keep it up I mean I you should be happy

19:15
 * you're too fat to be a vampire no one's

19:17
 * coming after you I might be too tall I'm

19:19
 * not man enough

19:20
 * I'm the perfect vampire victim you are

19:22
 * well that's the thing what a fat lump

19:24
 * like if you saw me sleep in my bed cuz

19:26
 * you know how I sleep it's like you know

19:29
 * yeah you gotta juice arms or like a

19:31
 * handkerchief like floating over my mouth

19:33
 * as I sleep you know like Paris you just

19:35
 * go right for my belly you won't even go

19:37
 * to my neck he's being like Elliott

19:40
 * invite I don't I don't know though

19:41
 * because I don't think the belly is full

19:43
 * of as much blood as you might think

19:45
 * Oh matter people have worse circulation

19:47
 * it might be easier for

19:49
 * the vamper to go after somebody thing

19:50
 * get rid of those veins yeah sure you

19:52
 * might have to work through some stuff

19:53
 * did the things but I also think they use

19:56
 * the tongue Macau the neck is an obvious

19:58
 * place but it would also be like he'd

20:00
 * probably have to also like munch up near

20:02
 * between where my balls touch my legs

20:04
 * you know me line the crook of the leg

20:07
 * where your where your balls are there

20:09
 * and there's the inside the elbow of your

20:11
 * leg it's not your knee elbow it's the

20:13
 * other one about the inside ones Hardy

20:16
 * vein you gotta get in there right oh

20:17
 * really good enough just like it just be

20:20
 * going whoa whoa there buddy whoa what's

20:23
 * going on here oh my goodness I feel so

20:25
 * bad for that poor vampire everyone's

20:27
 * making fun of him he's been a for being

20:29
 * a chubby chaser I just I can't get all

20:32
 * these on that kids ID I need the fat

20:34
 * ones now you're so weird Warren uh no my

20:37
 * name is Warren but I love God's Warren

20:39
 * Warren the vampire it seems like a

20:42
 * pretty adorable

20:43
 * hey-ya only does the fatties i'd love a

20:47
 * good old-fashioned r-rated Pixar movie

20:49
 * about Warren the vampire oh I do an

20:51
 * r-rated movie I'm sorry it would be

20:53
 * amazing all about Warren the vampire

20:55
 * going around just you know not the butt

20:57
 * holes of fat dudes I don't know why he

21:00
 * loves those butt holes but he just needs

21:02
 * him I never seen a vampire need butt

21:05
 * holes more than war in the band you got

21:08
 * crystals like his sidekick is a little

21:10
 * fat bat that hangs out with him I love

21:12
 * it we've got edge literally not educated

21:17
 * anybody about vampires so which is my

21:20
 * favorite I'm fine with this it's hard to

21:23
 * educate people about vampires they know

21:25
 * about them

21:26
 * vampires are I mean they're just like

21:28
 * just so not real is it the gears

21:31
 * Washington or wheeling also there's more

21:34
 * scary things in real life than vampire

21:35
 * but theoretically you could anyone can

21:37
 * be a vampire all you do is drink blood

21:38
 * stay up all night dress horribly but you

21:41
 * have a but you have a bunch of shitty

21:42
 * rules that you gotta follow and you're

21:44
 * gonna die well and you has a person

21:47
 * although you know I think you have about

21:50
 * five years of really thinking you're

21:52
 * never gonna die but then you're going to

21:53
 * hit 30 and you just realize I get hung

21:56
 * over more now my liver hurts

21:59
 * yeah I'm Bush packing on the pounds I'm

22:01
 * eating less somehow

22:02
 * getting fatter and for some reason I

22:04
 * want to have children so I don't know

22:06
 * what the hell is going on I guess hey

22:08
 * guys

22:09
 * that's exactly my life that's exactly

22:12
 * the way that I feel and for the first

22:14
 * time in my life I realize I'm not a

22:16
 * vampire uh it sucks s yeah not the good

22:20
 * kind of suck ass nose the sad kind of a

22:22
 * Morty dead sucker to warn the vampire

22:24
 * sucking ass which is you dying right

22:27
 * Marcus what days do you want to become a

22:28
 * vampire I would say right now would be

22:31
 * fine right pretty half one it maybe like

22:33
 * two years ago yeah something like that

22:35
 * yeah like mid 20s like 26 27 would have

22:38
 * been pretty good that'd be good starting

22:40
 * to shit I'm starting to show a little

22:41
 * bit more exactly and that's the thing

22:43
 * you get been at 80 you're just an old

22:45
 * decrepit dude and you know there's a

22:48
 * fine there's a huge difference between

22:50
 * the kind of blood you're gonna be able

22:52
 * to get if you're 80 maybe you could

22:54
 * court some senile gal in an old folks

22:56
 * home but you don't want to be doing that

22:58
 * forever no you don't be doing it forever

22:59
 * so you want to die you want to become a

23:01
 * vampire you know when you can still get

23:03
 * that nice for the Reggiana vagina yeah

23:05
 * when you take off your shirt to sparkle

23:07
 * in the daylight you retract appart young

23:11 18 year old girls and that's the thing 23:13
 * about vampires right they're not allowed

23:14
 * to go into the daylight it's why are

23:16
 * they comedians vampires and comedians

23:19
 * are the exact same thing it's yeah if

23:20
 * it's the same lifestyle it's a say but

23:23
 * there's there's all sorts of rules and

23:25
 * you know we're not static they're all

23:27
 * change a lot of them say you can come

23:29
 * out in the daytime and then there's like

23:30
 * they're really like you know you could

23:32
 * check googly so you can kill a vampire

23:34
 * by stabbing him in the heart

23:35
 * right and kill a vampire we're shooting

23:37
 * with the Silver Bullet same thing with

23:39
 * Liza where we'll put it which by the way

23:40
 * will kill anything yeah well the bullets

23:42
 * still fucking bullet and then the other

23:45
 * thing is to chop up stuff it's mouth

23:47
 * full of garlic chopped up his head burn

23:49
 * the head and then burn the body which is

23:51
 * what they used to do to corpses he said

23:53
 * dig up corpses yup its head full of

23:55
 * garlic and then cut it off which is just

23:57
 * another dis random shit oh did he not

24:00
 * come back from that oh yeah oh my god

24:02
 * then we go the damn hair yeah thank God

24:05
 * we did that I was fairly certain he was

24:07
 * coming back

24:07
 * I just waiting for like I just feel like

24:09
 * it was just one guy who walked into a

24:11
 * graveyard and was just like everyone

24:12
 * stayed over there I was like oh sure

24:14
 * where the vampire is and goes and digs

24:15
 * up a guy and then

24:16
 * like pulls up his body was like right we

24:19
 * get the Bernie style yeah exactly

24:22
 * a vampire a vampire

24:25
 * have you seen vampires kiss oh I don't

24:27
 * even know how they do it no vampires the

24:30
 * movie oh I've never seen vampires kiss

24:33
 * the movie and I've never seen vampires

24:35
 * kiss in real life I mean because to me

24:37
 * it just seems like it's just gonna

24:39
 * inevitably end up with both of them dead

24:41
 * I just want to plug this movie and say

24:42
 * that if you see if you listen to this

24:44
 * podcast vampires kiss is a fucking

24:47
 * must-see Nic Cage plays a businessman

24:50
 * who believes he's becoming a vampire and

24:53
 * it's his performance in that movie is

24:56
 * one of the most incredible leading men

24:58
 * performances you'll ever see it's not

24:59
 * good okay it's not a good performance

25:02
 * but it's I could say brave but it's more

25:06
 * like brazenly wrong and confident in

25:09
 * being that way and that's what he does

25:11
 * best

25:11
 * was it this the movie that he had it in

25:13
 * his contract he could do whatever he

25:15
 * wanted this was that was another movie

25:17
 * that was like a siddha forgot the

25:18
 * fucking we were talking about it last

25:20
 * night um he played a private detective

25:22
 * of that word and he showed up on set

25:24
 * with cap teeth of bronzer all over him

25:26
 * and awake on and it's just him doing nut

25:29
 * shit

25:30
 * but in vampires kiss that's where the

25:32
 * whole scene come from see it's like how

25:34
 * hard is it to file like how cuz I would

25:36
 * make a mistake working the follies it

25:38
 * goes hey B C D G H I J game BAM he goes

25:46
 * through this whole the whole alphabet

25:48
 * whole alphabet oh wow incredible well

25:51
 * yet I have it on DVD

25:52
 * vampires kiss come from my house it

25:55
 * sounds like a beautiful smut porn that

25:57
 * Osama might have been watching as well

25:58
 * oh yeah I love that he was drunk a jerky

26:01
 * jerking it off I hope they were getting

26:03
 * him while he was jerking off I'd love

26:04
 * that they'll be very tragic well some

26:06
 * oven Laden was a fucking vampire I'd

26:08
 * shoot him two times in the head again

26:09
 * just to watch him go like no with the

26:15
 * snake that's it with an actual t-bone

26:18
 * steak yo him that's good it does no

26:20
 * reason we should stick with that don't

26:22
 * waste that snake that's a good steak get

26:23
 * out shake gotta hit that steak fat

26:25
 * vampire

26:26
 * I'll warn the fat vampire I don't know

26:29
 * why they keep

26:30
 * I'm trying to stab me with these steaks

26:31
 * I just want to eat this day every time

26:34
 * they try to stab with this thing I eat

26:36
 * this day all right this is been the

26:39
 * dumbest piece of read you guys listen to

26:44
 * this is really good are they gonna die

26:46
 * either steak so much another thing I

26:48
 * warn the vampire I don't know why they

26:51
 * don't hang out with me

26:52
 * it's me bitch your best friend bitch

26:54
 * let's go get some sports okay that's it

26:58
 * that's a fast buck at the Fred Riza

27:01
 * browse game

27:02
 * Vargas barks I'm ed Kissel we will

27:03
 * entertain you next week vampires

27:06
 * I like this day

27:09
 * [Music]